Chirp Presents: A Passive Aggressive Letter from Your Sad Foam Roller
By Guest Author //
I’m just gonna say it, I’M SORRY!!!
Whatever I did or didn’t do. Whatever you needed me to do and I couldn’t: I. AM. FREAKING. SORRY!!!
Was it my plain grey outside? My saggy middle part from all the rolling we did?
We used to roll out every time you got home from the gym. I rolled your butt. And your legs. And your back. I rolled it all. Happily. Never complaining to anyone.
And where did that get me? Kicked under the bed and ignored like someone with B.O. at a speed dating event.
We were so good together! You used to declare your love for me to your friends. You even let Heather borrow me for a weekend after she ran that 10K and you’re not even that close with her!
Now? I get nada. Zip. Zilch. Neglectamundo!
I saw your Chirp Wheels arrive in that box disguised to look like baking flour. How could I NOT see them? Did you have Chirp disguise their wheels because you knew how bad it’d hurt me to be replaced? You used to be so thoughtful. But it’s clear you’ve moved on. Without me.
I should have seen this coming. It’s not the first time I felt a change in our relationship. When you used to sit on me and shop on your phone as I focused on relieving the tension in your butt muscles. I saw you click on the ads for Chirp.
Well, if I’m not what you need anymore, who am I to judge you for looking for something better at helping with your back pain.
I told myself I wouldn’t cry, because technically, I don’t have tear ducts. Or eyeballs. But still, if I could cry, I’d start crying right now and slowly peek through my tears to see if that could guilt you into changing your mind. But who am I kidding? I hope you and all three of your Chirp Wheels are happy.
Those Chirp Wheels are doing way more for your back than I ever could. I mean, how could a flat cylinder like me ever compete with a super comfy spinal canal? And three different sizes?! Come on, Chirp will give you more pressure options to relieve your back pain than I ever could. I tried not to compare myself to them, but dang it! They’re so good!
Now listen, all this alone time has gotten me thinking. And I’m not too sure I’m ok with you completely taking me out of your life. So here’s my pitch: Change me. Cut me up. Make me into something more useful. Shave me into a shim to use under that wobbly bedside table in the guest room. Or slice me into thin circles and use me as coasters for your drinks. Throw me in the pool and let the kiddos use me as a floatie. Shave me down and let the kids use me for their sword duels in the backyard. At this point, I’ll even be happy just to be a chew toy for the dog!! I’ll do whatever I need to in order to stay in your life. It’s just . . . I . . . I really care about your health. So no matter what happens to me, I just hope the Chirp Wheel makes you feel better than I ever could. Because that’s what someone as amazing as you deserves.