Neck-romancy: How to Bring Your Neck Back to Life
By Savanna Stone //
If you don’t know what necromancy is, Merriam-Webster1 defines it as a “conjuration of the spirits of the dead for purposes of magically revealing the future or influencing the course of events.” The idea of a necromancer (the person that does the bringing back to life rather than the practice of bringing back) is often found in fantasy novels, cool video games, and scary movies. Neck-romancy on the other hand, is a term that we made up at Chirp. It’s how we bring people’s necks back to life. We use neck-romancy when one has a hurt neck, a stiff neck, or neck pain. And we know how to practice neck-romancy; we’re neck-romancers. Here’s how:
Stretch and exercise. Just like real necromancers, our neck-romantic practices (exercises) seem dark and disturbing at first, but the end result brings us the satisfaction of a bright future. To practice neck-romancy, go to the place where your neck died, whether that’s your bed, your work, or your gym, and use the place of the deceased to bring your neck back to life through stretching and exercising. The location of the dead coupled with stretch and exercise will bring your neck back to life faster than it died.
Sleep with support. The perfect time for neck-romancy is nighttime when the sky is filled with wind, rain, and lightning. During the hours of the night, sleep on your back or side with pillows that support your neck, keeping your neck in line with your spine.
Apply heat or ice or both. Heat therapy and cold therapy have many benefits for your neck. Heat therapy increases blood flow to your neck to loosen stiff muscles. Cold therapy numbs the pain and promotes healing. To make applying heat therapy or cold therapy a neck-romantic practice, chant the incantation “Feel good. Do more.” 6 times every 6 minutes.
Chirp’s products. Chirp has a lot of products for neck pain. If you were practicing real necromancy, you would light torches and burn hemlock, aloe, mandrake, and opium. Neck-romancy isn’t that intense. Instead of lighting torches, light candles while you use our Neck Collection, which will provide you with the light and the smell of a real necromantic practice.
Make sure your workplace2 is neck friendly. Hang talismans around your desk to block out the evil as you work. And then arrange your desk and computer ergonomically. If you have to look down to use your computer, place books under it so you don’t strain your neck. Lower your chair so you don’t slouch over your desk. Try to maintain good posture throughout the day—something that should be easy once the evil spirits are gone.
Get a massage and limit stress. Getting a massage will loosen up your muscles and limit stress all on its own. Ask your masseuse if he/she would light some incense or candles during the massage. Aromatherapy will connect you closer with the spirit of your neck, which will make it easier to bring it back to life. Other than getting a massage, limiting stress in any way possible (going to church, being with nature, taking care of animals) will help you calm down and connect with your neck.
Limit smartphone use. Technology scares away your neck spirit. Just kidding. When you use your phone, you look down, making your neck hurt. So try to lift your phone to the level of your eyes when you use it.
Neck-romancy shouldn’t be scary. It should help your neck feel alive though. The miracle of Chirp’s neck-romancy is that your neck will not even feel zombie-alive; it will feel brand-new-baby alive.